Camouflage
by aryness
Summary: Ranger always camouflages his feelings and thoughts. But is he really successful to maintain his blank mask all the time? Inspired by Cassandra Steen's "Camouflage". Babe, but no HEA this time.


Standard Disclaimers Apply: I don't own anything, everything you recognize belongs to Janet Evanovich. The lyrics belong to the German singer Cassandra Steen and her label. I only translated them into English to be able to share them with you.

A/N: I think the lyrics of „Camouflage" more than just suit Ranger. I'd recommend to listen to the song to feel the sentiment, although the original song is in German. I'd like to thank my Beta extraordinaire, Lisa, who always knows how to encourage me and doesn't get tired of smoothing out my mistakes (anything you find is solely my fault)! Without her I wouldn't have written this story. Thank you so so much! You're the best and this one's for you!

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><p><strong>Camouflage<strong>

**RPoV**

The air is heavy, tingling, prickling with the energy of an approaching thunderstorm. Dark clouds chase across the sky, the wind has picked up and I can already taste the rain on my tongue, smell it in the air, feel it in my bones.

The branches of an ancient weeping willow whip against the walls of the building in front of me. Angry, hasty, adamant movements, that cause a hiss in the air. It feels as though my heart is the building and the scene that unfolds before my eyes are the whipping branches.

You may think that I have lost my mind by now. Otherwise how could I be sounding like I'm reciting something poetic? Well, guess, love can do that to you. Maybe not your everyday kind of love, but definitely this kind of love, the one that comes with heartache, because it cannot be for now.

On principle, I deny myself the luxury of feelings. This time they stalked me, crept up on me so slowly I didn't realize they were there. Now I am suddenly face to face with being in love. For the first and possibly only time.

But I cannot and will not let these feelings for her overrule me. I need to focus. This. Can. Not. Be. Period.

She can't know it, ever. I will continue to keep my emotions locked away. I will stamp them down and go on like they never existed. One stolen moment here or there will be enough to satisfy my need for her. It simply has to be. It must be.

The wind picks up another notch and blows strands of black hair that have grown out just recently, into my face. She likes it when I leave it loose.

She sits there, behind a brightly lit window front of some diner laughing with Lula and Connie, like nothing has happened. Oblivious to my presence and my feelings for her. Thank God.

She doesn't know that it kills me. It kills me to know that once again I came so close – too close – to losing her. I guess she hasn't even realized that it was touch and go. Had we been there a minute later, she still would have been in her car when it went up in flames.

I won't go there now. This is why I have my heart locked down, the thought of losing her is too much. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, the loss would be just too immense.

There's movement and I can see Morelli stepping up to the table. They have been off for some time now, but after what happened today and the way he's looking at her right now, this might change soon. Again. She is like a flame and we are both moths. We fly around her, are attracted to her. Yet neither of us can stay long. The fear of being burned is just too great.

My hands ball into fists involuntarily, my blank face slips into place. The thunder rolls heavy in the distance. Lightning bathes the willow in an eerie glow and Steph raises her hand up to scratch her neck. She's picked up on my presence.

Just as she moves to look out the window, I turn around, get into my Porsche and speed away, not bothering with turning on the lights. Thoughts of her still consuming my mind.

_# The town is reflected in the black asphalt__  
><em>_I push the pedal to the metal__  
><em>_Drive into the night__  
><em>_I drive without lights__  
><em>_And I'm thinking of you__  
><em>_Always of you. #_

I have no idea where I'm driving. I'm on autopilot, and honestly, I don't care.

She seemed happy. And who am I to destroy her happiness by telling her how I feel? I've got nothing to offer her. Nothing has changed. My life is not my own. I've sold my soul. I'm a mercenary. I'm the dark, where she is the light. We're like day and night, always chasing, never reaching. I don't want her to live this way. She deserves better. She deserves more.

_# What is wrong, what is true,__  
><em>_I don't know__  
><em>_You're so close, so close to me,__  
><em>_but I don't show you.__  
><em>_I'll stand in front of you/face you,__  
><em>_cold and beautiful,__  
><em>_because you mustn't see more,__  
><em>_mustn't see more. #_

Even though she is my counterpart, the piece that makes me whole, the person closest to me, I can't show her how I feel about her. It wouldn't be fair. Not to either of us.

That's why I morph my face into a blank mask again and again and again, every time I'm near her. She mustn't see the truth.

There are only mere seconds separating thunder and lightning. The first big raindrops beat against the windshield of my car.

I'm trying hard to regain my composure, rebuild the walls supposed to be holding my heart and feelings prisoner. I need to stay strong. Being weak would equal a catastrophe of epic proportions, with both my past and her ability to pick up every crazy.

_# The town is dazzling me with neon signs,__  
><em>_a thousand colors for a grey face,__  
><em>_I'm standing alone between shards and poison__  
><em>_and I'm thinking of you,__  
><em>_always of you,__  
><em>_I pick up my shadow and put it on,__  
><em>_my wings were burned in your sun(light)__  
><em>_but I will stand in front of you/face you__  
><em>_cold and beautiful__  
><em>_because you mustn't see more,__  
><em>_mustn't see more #_

My car is doing 100 mph and so is my mind. Her image keeps flashing before my eyes. She is everywhere. She is everything.

I know that I will have to get back to my old self in order to hide my feelings from her. The dark knight, always lurking in the shadows, always on the verge of becoming a machine, no more feelings, no more humanity. That's exactly where part of the problem lies: how do I go back into the shadows once I was bathed in her light? Once I felt love. Once I felt human again.

As my eyes focus back onto the road I realize where I'm headed.

I know that I have to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can continue to handle this situation. That I am able to keep my blank mask in check and not let her know the truth. I may not be what she needs in her life right now, but I can't let her go either. I need her in my life, need to know she is alright. And therefore I will keep my distance, watch her from afar, help her when she needs me, but I won't put any pressure on her. I won't put her in any more danger. Showing my love to her would put her into the focus of any of the numerous enemies I've made over the years. In fact, today's events could have easily been caused by one of them. And if that would have been the case, I'm quite sure, Steph wouldn't have made it out in time.

A risk I am not willing to take.

Now I'm sure about my decision. I will step back, leave her alone.

But one last kiss. One last touch. One last ray of her light. That's what I will allow myself in exchange for stepping back into the shadows. Something to remember, to bring me through the long, dark hours of the night.

I'll mask my feelings, paint my heart camouflage.

_# Tonight I'll paint my heart__  
><em>_Green-black, camouflage,__  
><em>_Green-black, camouflage (fade)__  
><em>_Because you must not see,__  
><em>_no you must not see,__  
><em>_how it beats, beats for you,__  
><em>_paint my heart camouflage (fade)__  
><em>_paint my heart camouflage #_

I get out of my car after parking in her lot. I'm instantly drenched, but I don't seem to feel the chill. The thunder is still roaring in the distance.

Get a grip and get it over with, I tell myself.

I climb the stairs to her apartment, all the while steeling my resolve.

Taking a deep, calming breath, I enter her apartment, finding my way to her bedroom, where I know I'll find her cuddled into one of my black T-shirts.

I stand there, watching, waiting. Admiring her beauty, illuminated by the silver light of the moon, that just now peaks through the clouds and into her window.

She feels my presence, stirs and abruptly sits up.

"Ranger?"

"Babe."

_# Now you're standing there__  
><em>_I'm standing behind slathers of barbwire__  
><em>_We look at each other__  
><em>_The world around us disappears__  
><em>_I begin to realize, how easily you break down my bulletproof glass__  
><em>_You break it so easily__  
><em>_And you can see how it beats, my heart beats just for you,__  
><em>_Yes, you can see every single beat, every single beat. #_

She examines my face carefully. Eyes wide open, glistening in the darkest shade of blue.

I'm sure she can't see a thing on my face. I'm sure it's blank. Just the way I want it to be.

My heart may swell with love, the moment I lay my eyes on her, it may even skip a beat, but then again, it only beats for her either way.

She won't know. Camouflage.

In an instant she's on her feet, surprise obvious on her face, as she reaches out a hand and gently traces the outlines of my face.

My eyes remain cold and hard like steel.

It doesn't matter to her. She stands on the tips of her toes and places the gentlest of kisses to my lips. Her eyes speaking of love and devotion.

It is then I realize that she can break my walls down with as little as the blink of her eyes. She can read me just the way I can read her. She sees every beat of my heart. Knows it beats just for her.

And still, this can't be. Not now. Maybe someday.

"I'm sorry." And I turn to leave, seeing a flash of hurt cross her beautiful face …

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><p>AN: Please let me know what you think, good, bad and ugly. :) Thanks for reading.


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